Finally. Someone with some brains in their head is coming to clean up this trashy mess we call the Bible.
Conservatives over at Conservapedia (that’s a real site, by the way) have put together a helpful, numbered list of things they’ve caught Liberals trying to sneak behind our backs into the Holy Book. Get in on the Conservative Bible Project Wiki before the Second Coming! As of today,
No more #10: “Liberal Wordiness,” like the “consistent use of the word ‘Lord’ rather than ‘Jehovah’ or ‘Yahweh’ or ‘Lord God.’” What do the Jews know about the Bible, anyway?
It’s about time we #7: “Accept Free Market Parables” so that we can teach the young’ins “the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning.”
And certainly it isn’t explicit enough that we #6: “Accept the logic of Hell.” Logic will save us “with its full force and effect, as in not denying or downplaying the very real existence of Hell or the Devil.”
Very, very real existence, sayeth Jesus:
“So it will be at the end of the age. The angels will come out and separate the evil from the righteous and throw them into the furnace of fire, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”
(Jesus is trying to figure out how to add a digg icon onto his posts, but in the meantime, you can digg this article here!)
This is Ann Minch. She has paid her minimum monthly payments on her Bank of America credit card every month for years, and now BofA has raised her montly interest rate from 12.9% to 30%.
As she tells the Huffington Post, when she tried to negotiate the outrageously high the interest rate, BofA said they’d “send it to corporate.” Basically, Ann says, “Bank of America’s message to me was, ‘Tough shit!’”
Ann has a message to BofA and any other bank preying on its loyal customers: “You are evil, thieving bastards. You have reaped ungodly profits in your behemoth casino scams, then lost. Only to turn around and usurp the wealth of this great nation by the outright rape and pillage of middle class Americans, whose sweat and toil built it.”
Jesus agreeth with Ann:
“The good person out of the good treasure of the heart produces good, and the evil person out of evil treasure produces evil.”
It’s like this: Silvio Berlusconi, dictator of Italy, is notorious for his antics cavorting around with young laydays. The Roman Catholic newspaper, Avvenire, finally found it within themselves to condemn Berlusconi, but in so doing stoked a media war with the dictator’s kingdom of newspapers, in particular Il Giornale.
Here, translated by the New York Times, is what Avvenire originally said about Berlusconi:
People have understood the unease, the mortification, the suffering that this arrogant neglect of sobriety has caused the Catholic Church
After calling the editor of Avvenire “a homosexual known to the Italian secret services,” here is what Il Giornale (owned by Berlusconi’s brother) replied in retaliation:
Gossip isn’t enough to crucify someone… Or rather it was enough, it has been enough, only in the cases of two people: Jesus Christ for some of his miracles, and more recently Silvio Berlusconi for some of his dances with women who in truth were very available.
Well! If they were available…
This is what Jesus wants to know:
“The Son of Man must undergo great suffering, and be rejected by the elders, chief priests, and scribes, and be killed, and on the third day be raised.”
I performed that one little miracle of raising myself from the dead. On the day of judgment, I’d like to see how Berlusconi does it!
Thank the Holy Father for our Holy Government. They’ve really got this whole torture thing down to a science.
Turns out that the people questioning Al Qaeda suspects in the last few years weren’t Interrogators Gone Wild, but were following the government’s torture guidelines to the letter. You may not have read the recently released and hundreds-of-pages long documents detailing what interrogators were allowed to do during their interrogations, so here’s a snippet of what’s included, according to the New York Times
Managers, doctors and lawyers not only set the program’s parameters but dictated every facet of a detainee’s daily routine, monitoring interrogations on an hour-by-hour basis. From their Washington offices, they obsessed over the smallest details: the number of calories a prisoner consumed daily (1,500); the number of hours he could be kept in a box (eight hours for the large box, two hours for the small one); the proper time when his enforced nudity should be ended and his clothes returned…
The required records [for documenting waterboarding], the medical supervisors said, included “how long each application (and the entire procedure) lasted, how much water was used in the process (realizing that much splashes off), how exactly the water was applied, if a seal was achieved, if the naso- or oropharynx was filled, what sort of volume was expelled, how long was the break between applications, and how the subject looked between each treatment.”
You can read the documents, including swaths of black censored paragraphs here.
Jesus sayeth, interrogators or government, it’s all the same:
“Can a blind person guide a blind person? Will not both fall into a pit?”
Jesus haseth but one thing to say to the Republican party if it knoweth a good thing when it seeth it:
“If your hand causes you to stumble, cut it off; it is better for you to enter life maimed than to have two hands and to go to hell, to the unquenchable fire.”
Homosexuality beware! The Manifested Glory Ministries church is looking for you!
If you haven’t already seen the exorcism of the gay Emily Rose above, watch it, and then listen to Pastor Patricia McKinney talk about the video on CNN at HuffPo. (“You have the alcohol spirit. You have the crack cocaine spirit. You have the adulterous spirit. Everything carries a spirit.”) Alcohol, crack cocaine, Elton John.
Better watch out, Pastor Patricia, the Church of Elton is bigger than Manifested Glory’s 25.
Anyway, what’s the deal with all the “The blood of Jesus!” this, and “We burn you in the name of Jesus!” that? First of all, Jesus wasn’t burning anybody, he was making lepers walk and the blind see. And secondly, Jesus’s blood belongs in his body, on a cross, or turned into wine during communion, but not on the bodies of perfectly wonderful gay people.
Jesus sayeth,
“Many will come in my name and say, ‘I am he!’ and they will lead many astray.”
A startling expose about the violent outbursts leveled by David Miscavige, leader of the Church of Scientology, upon his Scientologist colleagues was reported in the Saint Petersburg Times on Sunday. Watch the video of interviews with former Scientologist managers who worked with Miscavige.
Mike Ridner, manager of legal and media relations, describes that the outbursts were “random and whimsical. It could be the look on your face. Or not answering a question quickly. But it always was a punishment.”
[In case you forgot that Miscavige was Tom Cruise’s best man at his recent wedding to Katie Holmes, Jesus would just like to say, Blessed be that wedding. And in case you forgot about Tom Cruise’s rant of insanity, which leaked onto the Internet last year, apparently after Miscavige bestowed the Freedom Medal of Valor on him, it’s here. (And Jerry O’Connell’s glorious rendition of that rant is here.)]
At one point a witness describes Miscavige as leaping up onto a conference table to beat one of his colleagues…
Finally–Tom Cruise’s actions on Oprah, explained!
Jesus sigheth…
“Do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under foot and turn and maul you.”
Thanks be to a friend of Jesus for sending this most sacred of pictures…
Rejoice the magical stick of holy light!
Jesus proclaimeth:
“No one after lighting a lamp hides it under a jar, or puts it under a bed, but puts it on a lampstand, so that those who enter may see the light. For nothing is hidden that will not be disclosed, nor is anything secret that will not become known and come to light.”
Finally. Someone with some brains in their head is coming to clean up this trashy mess we call the Bible. Conservatives over at Conservapedia (that’s a real site, by the way) have put together a helpful, numbered list of things they’ve caught Liberals trying to sneak behind our backs into the Holy Book. Get in on [...]
“On the day of judgment you will have to give an account of every careless word you utter; for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”
